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Taking care of "mom"

In order to be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. Yes, if you have a baby or a special-needs child, they can take all your time and it can seem impossible to carve out any time to take care of you.

But you better find a way to take care of you or you won't have it to give to your demanding child.

When I was a military wife with health problems and two young special-needs kids, I learned that one or more of the three following things could be the difference between "I just cannot go on another day" and "The sun will come out tomorrow..."
  • A large glass of water or other hydration.
  • A bite to eat.
  • A ten or fifteen minute cat-nap, sometimes even if I didn't really sleep.
A lot of years ago, I knew a woman who was a new mom with a baby that came early. She was really doting and she knew no one was going to give her baby the level of care she gave it, so she didn't want to leave the child with a sitter unless it was absolutely necessary.

I convinced her this was a bad policy. She was going to burn herself out and then she wouldn't have it to give.

If at all possible, arrange to leave the kid with a sitter (or friend/relative) once in a while for a couple of hours just to do normal adult things on your own without baby: Have lunch with a friend; Go shopping; Go to a movie.

Pro tip: Don't leave your child with anyone they don't like. Babies can't talk, but they can cry. You can tell if they don't like someone and their dislike of the person may be the only evidence you have that the person is actually abusive when you aren't around.

Once my babies got old enough, my policy was that if they weren't sick, I went off duty at 10pm. I needed to clean up the kitchen and flip through a magazine or watch a movie or something so my life would function and I wouldn't lose my marbles.

At the tender age of two, my oldest somehow KNEW "It's 10pm. Time for me to be quiet and well behaved if I want to stay up. Otherwise, mom is putting me to bed!"

How? I have no clue. I must have somehow been signaling it because I don't think he could tell time. But he did know it was time to get out of my hair or get put to bed.

If your baby actually NEEDS attention because they have special needs, health issues, whatever, give it to them. Don't just let them cry. Take care of them.

But don't let them hold you hostage either to their endless demands simply because they are used to getting all your attention and think that's just how life works. Let them play quietly with a safe toy in their crib or whatever but establish a bedtime to the best of your ability as soon as it is feasible and carve out thirty minutes or an hour for you so that your life doesn't come completely apart at the seams.

One way to make this happen is to find more efficient, easier answers for how to deal with basic tasks, like nutrition and what to wear. Make sure you eat well and stay hydrated, but that doesn't necessarily mean spending a whole lot of time cooking from scratch.

Footnote

"Mom" is in quotation marks in the title because I just mean the primary caregiver. Historically, that tended to be the mother, aka female parent. No offense intended to anyone who is not a cis female and is doing the primary "momming" of a small child.

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